Here, you will find a few of Benito's best humor pieces, and many of his worst. And guess what? It's all free, at least until he figures out a good way to charge you for reading.

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Writer’s Block (NEW!!!)

I have writer’s block. They say the best way to get over writer’s block is writing about writer’s block, but I’m not so sure. In fact, I’ve written about writer’s block to get over writer’s block at least twice, and it hasn’t worked out that well. The first time I wrote about writer’s block to get over writer’s block was in my sophomore year of high school. I had to write a funny op-ed for the school newspaper, which I wasn't even a part of, mind you, and I had no ideas. So, I decided I would write a funny op-ed about writer’s block. After pitching this around to a couple of friends (who thought it was a good idea), I sat down and began to write:

Picture this: It’s 10:00 at night. You sit down at your computer. You’re finally done with homework. You open Google Docs and say to yourself “I’m gonna do it! Today’s the day I finally write that hilarious op-ed for the Wolfpacket. That’ll show ‘em!” But as soon as you type the first letter, your ideas drain from your head. Like a cheap hourglass, every single grain of sand has fallen away in an instant. Every funny idea, gone. Now, imagine that happening almost every day, for months. That’s writer’s block. I’ve been able to write for my magazine, Claremont’s Really Academic Paper, just like normal. But as soon as I try to come up with something to submit to the Wolfpacket, I freeze! It’s been getting annoying. Really annoying.

As I finished up this first paragraph, two things became clear: this was not helping me get over my writer’s block, and even worse, it was only kind of funny. Kind of funny, as those who deal in jokes know, is almost worse than not funny at all. This just wouldn’t do. 

The next time I wrote about writer’s block to get over writer’s block was with writing friends I wrote with together. As the board of my high school’s humor magazine, we were in charge of coming up with a topic for our next issue. Suffering from collective writer’s block (writers’ block?), we decided that would be the perfect theme. This worked especially well for me, since I could use my old writer’s block piece in the new issue! As I looked at our finished issue a couple weeks later, I realized that we had put more effort into the cover than anything inside. Yet again, writing about writer’s block didn’t really seem to help my writer’s block that much. Even this piece right now isn’t really doing anything except stopping me from being bored. In fact, over the last few months I’ve realized I’m not even that good of a writer. Tragic. 

There is a larger issue here, though. I used to write about writer’s block to get over writer’s block. Now, I’m writing about writing about writer's block to get over writer’s block. This sets up a bit of a problem for the future. It’s only logical to assume, given what I’m typing right now, that when I encounter my next bout of writer’s block, I’ll have no choice but to write about writing about writing about writer’s block to get over writer’s block. This is not sustainable. At a certain point, I worry I’ll stop writing altogether and simply start documenting the idea of writing. Not writing about writer’s block, or writing about writing about writer’s block, or even writing about writing about writing about writer’s block—just trapping myself in writer’s block nirvana. “Today I considered writing.” “Just saw a keyboard. Neat.” “The other day I thought about words.” But no. There has to be a limit. There must be some circle of writer’s block hell where the universe just steps in and says, “No. You don’t get to do this anymore.” And I fear I might be there.

So I’ve decided the only real solution is to never get writer’s block again. I don’t know how I’ll do this yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got it under control. Anyways, that’s enough writing for today. It’s time to go read something on McSweeney’s and think about how I could’ve written it easily if I wanted to. 

Published here, 3/25/2026

The Problem With Word Searches

Hi Claremont, 

I am writing this piece for an express purpose: to inform the greater Claremont academic community on the horrific abominations of nature that are Word Searches. I’ll just be honest here. Word searches make me feel stupid. They really do. And I know they make me feel stupid. I know this because I am a smart person. In fact, people have said I am similar to Einstein. And they’re right! I mean, there are similarities. I’ve actually compiled a list of them right here:

1. We’re both humans. 

2. We’re samrt smaert smert intaligent smart

See? Look at that! But that’s besides the point. Word searches are very hard, man. Like seriously. What’s up with that? Any time I go to Red Robin and ask for a kids menu, I end up screaming and crying because I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING! They’re very hard. And nothing makes them easier! I’ve tried all the tricks! I’ve done the box trick, combed through each individual line, and carried the word search to an elderly Yugoslavian sorceress high in the Šar Mountains with three vulture beaks and a vial of my mortal enemy’s hair to persuade her to solve the word search for me, only to fail in every way possible. 

So I propose a solution. Or I would, if I had one. I just realized that this whole letter amounts to nothing. That’s nice. I guess you just have to carry on with your word searches, or as I call them, word un-searches, because they’re impossible.

-Wondering (Un-)Word Searcher

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 1, 2/8/2022

Giving Thanks

We have a lot to be thankful for this year. And since it’s thanksgiving, I figured it would be nice to talk about all the things I, as a human, have to be thankful for in this article. First and foremost, I’m thankful for being an American. Our country may be doomed, but at least we don’t have thanksgiving in October like Canadians. Freaks. Second of all, I’m thankful for my iPhone 14 Pro MAX. I find the dynamic island to be a wonderful addition to the iPhone screen, and I like that the camera is slightly better than last year’s—this phone is way better than the trash iPhone 13 Pro MAX I had last year. 

I’m thankful for all my Insta, TikTok and MySpace followers. Both the 256 real ones and the 11.5k fake ones I bought with my $1000 per month allowance. I’m thankful for the Bentley Bentayga SUV my parents bought me for my 16th birthday, and the driver they hired because I haven’t gotten my license yet. I’m thankful for Elon Musk. Mr. Musk is an insanely intelligent man who built Tesla from the ground up, is sending rockets to space and is promoting free speech on Twitter. I have never heard of a man more devoted to helping mankind. I am thankful for music, especially the music of Ye West. I admire that Ye has the courage to stand up for what he believes, no matter what society thinks of him. 

I’m thankful for food, and the person who makes it. Not my mom—our personal chef. Eduardo is pretty darn good if I do say so myself. He makes a mean French omelette. I’m thankful for our new pool boy Dave. Since we’ve hired him, my mom’s never been happier. I’m thankful for the Gas app. It’s how I got my last 5 girlfriends. I’m thankful for the “COVID-19 virus” because even though it probably didn’t exist, it got me a year and a half off of school, so that’s a win. I’m thankful for President Trump, who is the rightful president of the United States. I’m thankful for JFK Jr., who will soon be coming back to life at the grassy knoll to reinstate Trump as president. 

I am thankful for the secret brotherhood of mutants known as the Sci Force that will free our alien brothers from Area 51, so we can finally bring the human race to its knees. I’m thankful for my partner in crime, ☍⍜⍀☌ ⋉⟟⌿ ⏚⌰⍜⍀⌿ (Korg-zip’blorp), with whom I drove my UFO to this lowly scum planet. ⍙⟒ ⍙⟟⌰⌰ ⟒⎐⟒⋏⏁⎍⏃⌰⌰⊬ ☊⏃⌿⏁⎍⍀⟒ ⏃⋏⎅ ⟒⋏⌇⌰⏃⎐⟒ ⏁⊑⟒ ⊑⎍⋔⏃⋏ ⍀⏃☊⟒ ⏃⋏⎅ ⏚⍀⟟⋏☌ ⟟⏁ ⏁⍜ ⟟⏁⌇ ☍⋏⟒⟒⌇

All in all, I’m thankful for a lot of things, but most importantly, family. And by family, I mean the Church of Scientology. Long live Lord Xenu and Tom Cruise!

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 8, 11/18/2022

Talking Stage

Saw you at the rally today lol

Really? Where were u

Upper bleachers

Ohhh ok lol. Did u do class colors?

Yea. You?

I did but I think red washes me out 😭 

I think you look pretty in red

Aww thanks lol. 

Did you hear about the Taylor swift movie

OMG YES I NEED TO GO

It comes out on Homecoming too

We should go see it lol. R u going w anyone to hoco?

There’s this one girl who I kind of like but idk

Oooh who is it?

Can’t tell you

Oh ok ok. do ik her? 👀 

Yea

We need to have tea time 

For sure. Are you going with anyone?

If someone I like asks me

Do I get to know??

Umm u will have to wait and find out

Ooh suspense

Lol ur funny 

*liked “lol ur funny”*

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 15, 9/19/2023

California's New Alternative History Curriculum

Last year, the Wolfpacket released an article titled New Changes to the CHS Curriculum to be Implemented 2022-24. They couldn’t have been more correct. According to numerous sources, California is taking a page from Florida’s textbook—literally! The state just announced that they’re going in a completely new direction with their comprehensive United States history curriculum. But how on earth did the most liberal state in the union get an educational Evangelical facelift? Well, today we found out.

Governor Gavin Newsom was out of state last week, partaking in his biannual Bahamas parasailing trip. This gave Florida Governor Ron DeSantis an opportunity to claim squatters rights on the entire state, as he had been hiding below the Capitol Building in Sacramento for about three weeks—during which the state of Florida experienced a few weeks of unprecedented prosperity. DeSantis immediately announced a completely new history curriculum, influenced by his heavily annotated and revised home bible—which he hadn’t read since he was a seven year old.

Luckily, as we’re a highly prestigious publication, we have an advance copy of the God’s Civil War chapter in the new Advanced Placement Evangelical Christian United States History (APECUSH) Textbook.

The first shot of the civil war was fired from a battleship named "The SS Self-Secure Powerful Alpha Male." When the ship's missile struck the heart of Boston, Vermont, the bloody Battle of Boston began. Eventually, led by General Robert E. Lee, the Union Army won the battle. Unfortunately for General Lee, Boston was just the beginning. What followed were the battles of Los Angeles, Charleston, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Paris, France--all overwhelming victories for the confederacy. At this point in the war, Union machine guns were no match for the balloon-fired guided missiles that the Confederates had invented and used with deadly accuracy.

At the halfway point of the Civil War, in the winter of 54 AD, things began to change. The Southern Army fell under the supervision of General Ulysses S. Grant, a maniac and drunkard atheist, who we, yes WE, hate. General Grant, on several different occasions, arrived with his troops at the wrong battlefield. At two of the biggest battles of the Civil War--Tampa and Gettysburg, Grant's army arrived more than two days late, provoking indignant jeers from the Union troops. When President Lincoln led the prayer circle for the crowd assembled to watch the battle at Gettysburg vs the Denver Broncos, in fact, he was so upset about being made to wait by the Confederates, that he became a satanist! Thank God John Wilkes Booth killed him! The Republican Party is in much better shape now.

Following this social disaster, it was clear to most that the south couldn't anger the Prez—or Big G, for that matter—again. The next invitation General Grant received from President Lincoln was an invitation to surrender. On June 15, 1845, President Lincoln flew to the American capital, Jerusalem, where Lee, Grant, Vice President Dick Cheney, and Jesus Christ (Superstar) were waiting inside a modest yurt to sign a treaty which declared the freedom-loving south the winners, punished the woke-ass north, and brought an official end to the Civil War.

We hope that excerpt shows a glimpse into the future of California’s new academic strategies. Governors DeSantis and Newsom did not respond to interview requests.

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 15, 9/19/2023

I Love Pumpkin Spice, and You Should Too!

Dear Readers,

It's October: whence the leaves begin to fall, the air begins to crispen, and pumpkin spice makes its triumphant seasonal return. This is great, because I love pumpkin spice lattes. I've got a very normal amount of PSL-flavored everything hidden in my closet—PSL cereal, PSL candles, even PSL-scented deodorant. I can't resist the urge to drown myself in a sea of cinnamon and nutmeg. It's like I'm mainlining the very essence of autumn straight into my veins. Pumpkin spice is like heroin to me. Actually, scratch that. Pumpkin spice is better than heroin, and I've had heroin. Pumpkin spice is also better than love. I haven’t actually dated anyone (I’m only 52) but I’d assume it’s true. What can a stable romantic relationship do for me that pumpkin spice can’t? The answer is, of course, nothing.

There are crazy people in America, guys. And no, I’m not talking about Antivaxxers. Not QAnon zealots. Not even children. I’m talking about people who hate Pumpkin Spice. That’s right. People who absolutely detest this heavenly delicacy with every fiber of their being. Unbelievable, right? And to add insult to injury, they call me “crazy,” a “fanatic.” How insane must you be to demean the most perfect culinary concoction ever created in the history of humankind?

People just don’t appreciate the pumpkin spice life. They don’t realize that it's more than a beverage. It is a blessing, straight from the Gods. Every August, without fail, pumpkin spice completes what society lacks. It amends the wrongs of the year prior. When I see, smell, and taste pumpkin spice, not only do I feel reborn and repurified, but I feel real joy. To me, the PSL is a representation of all that humanity is and can possibly be—perfection. Don’t we all want that? I crave it, and I find that in pumpkin spice. I don’t crave approval or sympathy. I just want to better humanity. Nothing is flawless—not even pumpkin spice (if you don’t believe me, try Dunkin’s Ice Spice drink). But we can get better. How, you ask? Pumpkin spice lattes. Nama-stay in love with fall, folks, and let's brutally massacre everyone who hates pumpkin spice. 

-PSL Lover

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 16, 10/30/2023

The Worst They Could Say is No

Me: Hey could we talk for a sec?

Them: Yeah, sure. What’s up?

Me: I’ve kinda been waiting to tell you this in person, so here goes. You’re the person that I have a crush on.

Them: Wait—really?

Me: Yeah. And I hope maybe we could go out to see a movie or something sometime? 

Them: Uhh… no. No way.

Me: Ouch. That was a bit harsh. 

Them: Listen, you’re a wonderful person, but I just don’t really feel a connection.

Me: Ok, I guess. I hope we can still be friends though.

Them: Honestly, probably not. 

Me: What the heck, why?

Them: It’s not that I don’t like you, but I just don’t like you very much.

Me: I know you don't like me romantically, but at least I’m an ok person, right?

Them: Not really, to be honest. There’s just something about you. Well, not something. Your hair sucks, you dress like a 6 year old, you’re about as funny as a ham sandwich…

Me: You can stop now.

Them: I know. Anyways, you look like you got a botched facelift, your music taste is garbage, your mom sucks…

Me: Ok, ok, I get it. Again, could we at least stay in touch?

Them: I’ll probably say that, but block you when I get home.

Me: Honestly, it would've been better if you found out I liked you, never told me that you knew, kept leading me on, slowly started avoiding me in person while telling everyone else that the last thing you want to do is date me (but that you don’t want to reject me because you’re scared it will hurt my feelings), before I find out through a friend that you never liked me in the first place. 

Them: I mean, I know I can be a jerk, but that sounds freaking awful. 

Me: Thanks, I guess. So it’s a no, right?

Them: Yes.

Me: Like, yes yes?

Them: Yes as in no. Never. Over my dead body. 

Me: Ok. I guess I’ll just go.

Them: But I want to date you!

Me: Wait really??!

Them: No.

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 17, 11/17/2023

Harvard Rejection Letter

Dear Benito,

The Committee on Admissions has completed its Early Action meetings, and I am honestly not that sorry to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to the Class of 2024. I don’t really wish that a different decision were possible, since your application really freaking sucked. I hope that our decision is the first of many more rejections to come. 

In recent years, the Committee has been faced with increasingly difficult decisions; more than 57,000 students applied for the 1,660 spots in the first-year class, and the great majority of our applicants could be successful here academically. You, however, were not one of them. Your grades, extracurricular activities, and recommendation letters failed to convince us that you are the next Einstein, Shakespeare, or Gail Lewis from Walmart. We were especially unimpressed by your inability to cure cancer or write a Pulitzer-worthy novel before the age of 18. It can't be that hard to get nominated, buddy.

The Committee has, therefore, been faced with the necessity of crafting a first-year class with a great many more talented and highly qualified students than you.  We were expecting someone who could juggle flaming bowling pins while reciting Shakespearean sonnets backward in Latin, or at the very least have a father, grandfather and great-grandfather who attended our institution.

We very much appreciate the interest you, like 57,000 other, more talented kids have shown in Harvard, and we hope you will accept the best—well, ok, third best—wishes of the Committee for success in most of your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

William R. Fitzsimmons

Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid

Published in Claremont's Really Academic Paper No. 18, 12/23/2023